Barbara Coloroso spoke to about 150 McLean area parents on September
26, 2005. Ms. Coloroso is the founder of Kids Are Worth It! in
Littleton, Colorado. She is an internationally recognized speaker and
author in the areas of parenting, teaching, school discipline,
non-violent conflict resolution and reconciliatory justice. Below is a
summary of her presentation.
Critical Life Messages
Every day
your child needs to hear: 1. I believe in you, 2. I trust in you, 3. I
know you can handle it, 4. You are listened to, 5. You are cared for,
and 6. You are very important to me. Children need our time, our
affection, and our sense of optimism. Teach your children to care
deeply, share generously, and help willingly. Raise them to extend
themselves. Teach children to do the right thing because it is the
right thing to do, not because there are any rewards. There is now a
whole generation of adults who grew up getting stars or stickers for
good deeds and who believe every good deed should be rewarded. They
have lost sight of the fact that the good deed is a reward in itself.
People feel better about themselves when they serve others. Children
should get allowances to learn how to control spending, learn to save,
and to give to others. Allowances should not be rewards for doing
chores that should be done anyway.
Teaching Children to Make Responsible Decisions
Ms. Coloroso believes parents need to teach their children to think for
themselves. Teach children how to think, not what to think. They should
believe: 1. I like myself, 2. I can think for myself, and 3. There is
no problem so great it can’t be solved. Realities you accept, problems
you solve. She gave the example of her daughter carrying the
grandmother’s birthday cake and dropping it on the floor; you cant undo
the messed-up cake but you can either repair it so it is presentable or
buy a cake to replace it.
Invite children even at very young ages to make choices.
Don’t intervene unless their choice is illegal, immoral, or unhealthy.
Have a plan to increase responsibility as children get older. Two year
olds can choose between wearing red or blue pajamas to bed. Five year
olds can choose among three outfits to wear to school. Let them wear
shoes on the wrong feet to school; no teenager ever walked into high
school with shoes on the wrong feet. A teacher who was having trouble
getting her students to put gloves on and button their coats before
going outside to play held up a slab of red meat. She explained that
organs can freeze in cold weather and end up looking like the slab of
meat. No child wanted his/her organs to look like that so they bundled
up.
Dealing with Mistakes
Punishment is adult-oriented, requires judgment, imposes power from
without, arouses anger and resentment, and invites more conflict.
Discipline uses logical and realistic consequences and teaches children
to make good decisions and solve problems. Show children what they have
done wrong, give them ownership of the problem, give them choices of
ways to solve the problem they created, and let them implement one of
those choices while leaving their dignity intact. From each mistake
children should learn to fix what they did, figure out how not to let
it happen again, and heal the person they harmed.
For children under two and a half, distract them from
inappropriate behavior, disorient them (i.e., swoop them up and cause
them to forget what they were doing), or disengage them (i.e., take
them to a different place). The only purpose of “time out” is to give
you a chance to calm down and plan what you are going to do; it should
not be a punishment itself. Don’t demand an “I’m sorry” but children
should learn that the statement is part of the healing process. Don’t
wag your finger at your child; instead, put it in your mouth to give
you time to think about what you should be doing and get it out of your
child’s face.
Recognize that at two years old children rebel against their
mother. At five they rebel against both parents. By puberty they rebel
against all adults.
Ms. Coloroso gave an example of two siblings fighting over
what program to watch on TV to illustrate typical parental responses.
The brick wall response turns off the TV and says nobody watches
anything. The jellyfish pleads with the children not to fight, or gets
each child his/her own TV. (Thirty percent of all children have TVs in
their room; Ms. Coloroso believes children should not have TVs in their
room and their TV watching time should be minimal.) The backbone turns
off the TV and says it will be turned on when they come up with a plan.
Don’t interfere with the plan they develop unless one tries to use
force on the other. If you see a pattern of the younger child
continuing to get a raw deal, wait for teachable moments and give the
younger one some tips for how to negotiate, or point out to the older
one that they are taking advantage of the situation.
Let children know that just because something isn’t wrong
doesn’t mean it is right. Intent matters as much as content,
circumstances, and intended and unintended consequences.
Be mindful with a wise heart. Once in awhile it is OK to
bring a forgotten term paper, gym clothes, or lunch bag to school. Just
don’t do it routinely. Consider whether it is caring or hand-holding.
Bullying
Bullying is a conscious, willful hassle activity where the bully gets
pleasure from someone else’s pain. It is about contempt for another
human being. Conflict is inevitable but violence is not. The behavior
has to be learned, but can also be unlearned. There are three forms of
bullying: verbal (often now through cell phones and the internet),
physical, and relational (shunning, rumor, gossip, exclusion). Middle
school children are heavily into sexual bullying. Parents contribute to
the mystique of sexual behavior among children by not using correct
terms for sexual body parts. She noted there are over 100 slang terms
for penis but only one word for ankle. Teachers need to act decisively
when they hear children using swear words toward another child; they
need to say “No more, not here, never.”
Kids don’t tell their parents if they are victims of bullying
because they believe their parents will intervene and make the
situation worse. Or they think adults won’t do anything but consider
the incident just part of growing up. Parents need to teach their
children the difference between tattling and telling: tattling is to
get a kid in trouble, whereas telling is to help a kid get out of
trouble. Bullicide is the ultimate retribution by a victim of bullying.
Of the 18 incidents since 1980, all bullying victims who later
committed murder were short, bright, and had been sexually assaulted.
Bystanders play a large role in bullying behavior. Parents
need to teach their children to have integrity, civility, and
compassion to stand up for victims of bullying. You don’t have to be
everyone’s friend but you must honor their humanity. Integrity involves
discerning what is right, acting when the burden is heavy, and speaking
out.
Additional Points
Parents may lament having strong-willed pre-schoolers but these
children are easier on parents in later years. They are never easily
led by anybody, and that includes their peers when they are teens.
When a child brings home a term paper or report card, say
“tell me about it” rather than express joy or disappointment. That way
you will find out how the child feels. Perhaps the child is elated with
a C+ in their most difficult subject and your initial disapproval of
that grade would have been a big disappointment to them. If your child
gets very good grades, ask how they can share that gift with others,
such as tutoring other children.
Fathers teach their daughters who to love, while mothers
teach them how to love. Mothers teach their sons who to love, while
fathers teach them how to love. Teach children not to betray a trust
but they may have to lie to do so. Ms. Coloroso cited an example during
the Holocaust of lying to German soldiers about the presence of Jews.
Moral dilemmas are created when two virtues are in conflict.
Teach children to resolve those dilemmas in a way that maintains
everyone’s integrity.
Be playful with your kids. Remember to laugh.
Take a half hour for yourself every day. They are worth your time, but so are you worth your time.
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