On December 2, 2003, the Safe Community Coalition (SCC) convened a panel at the McLean Community Center to discuss risky sexual behavior. Over 60 people heard moderator Dr. Bill Licamele and panelists Lexy Gutierrez, Carol Dopp, Liz Morgan, and Wayne Promisel give opening remarks and answer questions from the audience.

Bill Licamele, a child psychiatrist in McLean and longtime SCC board member, stated that risky sexual behavior can lead to sexually transmitted diseases, rape, emotional and psychological trauma, unwanted pregnancy, or death. Teens are more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior if they consume alcohol or take drugs, and/or if they are in a dysfunctional family. A lesser factor is peer pressure. Teen Magazine reported that a survey of 13-19 year olds showed that 54% of the girls and 42% of the boys are sexually active. In the 13-15 age group, most activity is oral sex which is like the "new kissing" teens don’t perceive it as bad because it doesn’t lead to pregnancy.

Bill said there is no evidence that risk taking is occurring more frequently than in the past. In fact, national data show that there are fewer unwanted pregnancies today than at any time in the last 60 years. Nevertheless, it is important that parents are informed about the issue and communicate with their children about it. Being silent does not make the problem go away. TV and movies show the risky behavior but almost never discuss the consequences. Your child should know your values and opinions, even if your child resists hearing them. Bill recommended two books by Dr. Lynn Ponton, The Romance of Risk and Sex Lives of Adolescents. He provided a handout containing tips for parents on understanding adolescent behavior.

Lexy Gutierrez, a senior at Langley High School, is president of Junior State of America, secretary of the Spanish Honor Society, and secretary of the Key Club. She was the student organizer for Wellness Week at Langley this year, and served as one of two student Supreme Court Justices for Case Day. Lexy told the audience the most important things parents could do to help their children are to keep an open dialogue, listen, and show you care. Don’t preach. Low self-esteem is typically the driver leading teens to sex. While some teens engage in risky sex, most teens are responsible and don’t engage in sex until the relationship has matured. Also, most teens know how to engage in safe sex. Having good, responsible friends is important, but Lexy agreed with Bill that peer pressure is less important a factor leading to sex than adults may think. "Hooking up" can mean anything from kissing to intercourse.

Carol Dopp has a master’s of education degree in counseling and another in curriculum development. She has taught and/or counseled for the past 23 years in various independent schools in the DC metro area. Currently she is the grade 9-12 counselor at Potomac School. Her training over the past 18 years has focused on human sexuality. Carol said students believe the risks in sexual behavior are not only the risk of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), but also the impact on emotions, reputation, and going against a set of values. While peer pressure is not typically a prime reason for engaging in sexual activity, some students self-inflict the pressure because they believe they need to engage in the behavior in order to fit in with a particular group of teens. Despite current parental concerns, the number of high school graduates reporting having had sexual intercourse is the lowest in years. However, because younger teens believe all older teens engage in sex, it is important to tell your children the facts to dispel this misconception.

Carol stated that alcohol is the biggest factor leading to risky sex because it lowers inhibitions. Teens are embarrassed about their bodies but alcohol allows them to do things they wouldn’t do otherwise. Teens drink to get drunk, not to drink socially as adults do. Girls performing oral sex on boys is the most common sexual activity among 6^th to 9^th graders. As Bill noted, oral sex is seen as a casual activity. Girls admit they don’t enjoy performing oral sex but do it only to make boys like them. While adults perceive oral sex as higher on the intimacy scale than intercourse, teens perceive oral sex much lower down the intimacy chart. Another example of differing viewpoints is that adults consider the term "prick" to be slang for "penis" whereas teens consider it synonymous with "jerk." Carol provided a handout on characteristics of sexually healthy adolescents. She encouraged parents to talk to children about sexual feelings and remind them that those feelings do not need to turn into action. Oral sex and anal sex are on the rise because teens don’t want to get pregnant. Teens ignore the STD risk these activities present. Testicular cancer is a concern among 15-30 year old males but no one talks about it. Parents should encourage their sons to conduct periodic self-exams, just as they should encourage their daughters to conduct periodic breast exams.

Wayne Promisel has been with the Fairfax County Police Department for almost 22 years. He is the leading authority on abuse and exploitation of children, particularly through the internet. He has received numerous honors and awards for his work in this field. Detective Promisel said that many parents do not understand the dangers of internet access for their children. They don’t know what protections their internet service providers offer, don’t know about chat rooms, and don’t know who is on their child’s buddy list. Chat rooms exist on any topic. Children feel safe on the computer since they are in their own home. While it is true that children from dysfunctional families are more likely to be abused, dysfunction can be whatever the child perceives it to be ("you don’t understand me," "you don’t trust me"). The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children in Alexandria is a great resource for parents.

Detective Promisel said that parents should know who is on their child’s buddy list and should know how to check temporary files to learn what sites their child has visited recently. Taking away the computer doesn’t remove access to the internet since children can go to a friend’s house and sign on with your account number. The number one weapon to fight on-line predation is self-esteem. Tell your children every day you love them, are proud of them, and will always be there for them. If your child alludes to risky behavior, don’t pass the comment by because it may be awkward to discuss. Your child is looking for you to help and you must meet him or her halfway. It is important also for parents to be good role models; more and more adults are spending hours on their computer and their children are likely to model that behavior.

Liz Morgan is, like Lexy, a senior at Langley. Liz is a member of the National Honor Society and the Safe Community Coalition and recently chaired the Saturday Night in the Suburbs panel at Langley. She concurred that teens who don’t feel good about themselves are most likely to engage in risky sexual behavior. Teens don’t discuss STDs or ask whether a partner has been tested for infection. She agreed with Carol that teens don’t believe oral sex poses an STD risk. She also agreed that teens drink to reduce embarrassment about their bodies. Parents should be concerned if their young daughter is dating an older boy; older buys understand that young girls are particularly unsure about the attractiveness of their bodies and can exploit that uncertainty. Liz said boys pressure girls a lot to have sex, and oral sex is seen as a middle ground between no sex and intercourse. Many teens feel that losing their virginity is a "big deal." However, once they lose it, they feel much less concerned about having sex a second or subsequent time. Most sexually active girls take birth control. As Detective Promisel advised, Liz urged parents to keep telling their children how proud they are of them, even when the child claims he/she doesn’t want to hear it.

Advice that came from the question and answer period included:

Lexy: Let your kids know you care about them and trust them; for example, spend time with them one-on-one or send your child "I love you" email notes out of the blue.

Lexy: Let your child know what is available (e.g., morning after pills) if something happens.

Wayne: Child Help USA makes presentations to groups and is an excellent resource.

Becky Yearout, a parent in the audience, offered a personal story of her child’s friends obtaining the Yearout account number and password and then sending threatening messages to others. The Yearouts needed a lawyer to help clear their name and avoid prosecution.

Bill: Keep talking to your children; even when they don’t talk back, they are listening. One way to find out what is going on is to drive the carpool.

Bill and Liz: Stay in touch with the parents of your children’s friends.

Carol: Give your children an out; for example have a code word like "do I have practice tomorrow" they can use when they call from a party wanting a ride home; the code word avoids the embarrassment of saying in front of their friends what they really want.

Liz: It is easier for boys to talk to their fathers about sexual issues than their mothers.

Bill: Listen to your children; for example, if they don’t want to play with the neighborhood children, it may be because those children are bullies but your children won’t admit that.

Lexy: It is hard to buy female teen clothing that is not suggestive; J. Crew offers clothing a bit more conservative than other stores.

Liz: All girls wear tight clothing and boys are used to it; tell your children where you draw the line in terms of what you will let them wear.

Carol: Remember that suggestive clothing is not new; when she was growing up very short skirts and hot pants were the rage.

Lexy: Signs that your child may be in trouble include having unscrupulous friends, being out a lot, and talking a lot less to family members.

Liz: Also, grades are likely to drop and the child cares less about grades.

Bill: Almost all teens go through some period of rebellion; it is the persistent negative behavior that is a problem.

Liz: Start asking your child at an early age whether he/she is having sex, and keep asking; let your child know that you are asking not out of mistrust but out of concern for their safety; your asking the question keeps the door open and makes it easier for them to admit it when the time comes.

Wayne: Let your children know that until they turn 18 you are ultimately in charge; you can talk and possibly compromise, but you hold the last card in the deck. Over Liz and Lexy’s disagreement, he reaffirmed that parents should know who is on their child’s buddy list, just as you want to know who their non-cyber friends are, but don’t read their email.

Key Points from the Handouts

• Since adolescents need to take risks, parents need to help them find healthy opportunities to do so. Healthy risk-taking (participation in sports, development of artistic and creative abilities, volunteering, running for school office, making new friends, etc.) is not only important in itself but can help prevent unhealthy risk-taking.

• Adolescents often offer subtle clues about their negative risk-taking behaviors through what they say about the behaviors of friends and family, including parents. Parents often stay silent about their own histories of risk-taking and experimenting, but it can be important to find ways to share this information with adolescents in order to serve as role models, to let teens know that mistakes are not fatal, and to encourage making healthier choices than those the parent may have made. Adolescents look to their parents for advice and modeling.
  

• Parents need to help their teens learn how to evaluate risks, anticipate the consequences of their choices, and develop strategies for diverting their energy into healthier activities when necessary.

From Carol Dopp:

Sexually healthy adolescents:

1. Enjoy sexual feelings without necessarily acting upon them
2. Are able to communicate and negotiate sexual limits
3. Decide what is personally "right" and act on these values
4. Understand the consequences of sexual activity
5. Talk with a partner about sexual activity before it occurs, including limits, contraceptive and condom use, and meaning in the relationship
6. Communicate desires not to have sex and accept refusals of sex
7. If sexually active, use contraception effectively to avoid pregnancy and use condoms and safer sex to avoid contracting or transmitting a sexually transmitted disease